Mysteries of the Tekken Universe!
by Jes
Summary: Well, here it is. My 1st humor story. This what basically set the wheels in motion for all the stuff that I would write later. Keep in mind that I wasn't as openminded when I wrote this as I am now. Just keep a sense of humor and you'll be alright.


Mysteries of the Tekken universe!!!!!  
  
  
Author's notes: Blah, blah...all Tekken characters are property of Namco...blah, blah. There's really no huge point to this story. This is just to show some of the weird things I think about during the day. I basically wrote this to entertain myself and to stop my recent obsession with the word, poop. But you should be entertained as well. If not, then I'll kill you in your sleep with a butcher knife.^ _ ^ Now let the chaos begin!  
  
  
* Is it just me, or does it seem like all the Tekken characters are getting really old? The average age seems to be 40 or so. Heihachi's old enough to be in a rocking chair with a blanket in his lap, as he tells stories about the 1st King of Fist tournament back in 1832, or the 1st time he had sex with Kazuya's mother back in 1567. Oh come on, there's nothing wrong with an old man talking about sex.  
  
* Why do all the Tekken character have such weird hair styles? Think about it. Kazuya, Jin, Heihachi, Paul, Jack, Bruce. The neiborhood barber must have some kind of mental disorder.  
  
* Speaking of Paul, why does he not get the respect he deserves? He would have won every single one of the tournaments, had it not been for those damn Mishimas. How is it that they can win every time? I think the tournament is rigged. Or maybe, since the family is mostly bad guys, they just so happen to be very good cheaters.   
  
* Back to the subject of Paul, I think he's very underestimated. He just so happens to be my favorite character.(side note: I am unbeatable with Paul.) The guy doesn't waste his time with all those flipping kicks, and drunken monkey fists, and spinning demon attacks. He gets straight to the point of beating the crap out of people, which is what life is really all about. Plus he's a biker. How can you not like a biker?  
  
* Seriously, what does Hwoarang got that I ain't got? And why do people always try to set him up with Xiaoyu? Anyone who's ever read Xiaoyu's Tekken 4 story knows that she's got the hots for Jin.  
  
* Speaking of which, why does every story that involves Jin and Xiaoyu together have to have some huge warning label on it? WARNING! WARNING! DANGER! JIN+XIAOYU! AS A COUPLE! READ AT YOUR OWN RISK! WARNING!  
  
* What is the freaking deal with all these yaoi stories? When I think of Hwoarang, I think of a guy who wants to kill Jin, not a guy who wants to hump Jin.  
  
* What kind of name is Hwoarang? Hwoarang is the sound a trash can makes when you put it over someones head and hit it with a hammer.  
  
* The Tekken series is loaded with cool characters. There's Paul, of course, Bryan, Yoshimitsu, Eddy Gordo, Marshall and Forrest Law, Lei, Jack, King, Heihachi, and Roger the boxing kangaroo. So how come every story has to be about Jin, Hwoarang, and Xiaoyu? I've got nothing against them, but it gets old after a while.  
  
* Why do the guys who write PSM magazine seem to have a hard time understanding the Tekken endings? As far as I can tell, they're the only ones who have this problem. Really, what is there to understand?  
  
* Who the hell is Unknown(the boss on Tekken Tag)! This probably the worst developed fighting game character I've ever seen. It wouldn't so bad if she appeared in Tekken 4. That way they could've at least built some kind of story around her. I understand they were trying to make her seem mysterious, but what's the point of being mysterious if you don't EVENTUALLY reveal your secrets.  
  
* How come there isn't a character like Toshin in Tekken 4? That guy was such a bad ass. I don't like it when all the characters have to be human.  
  
* How can anyone in their right mind write a Kazuya/Lee yaoi? They're brothers you sick freak! That's incest! Gay incest!  
  
* Exactly, how many hours a day does Anna spend in the shower? I'm not complaining, I'm just curious.  
  
* Why didn't the Japanese version of Anna's Tekken 3 ending make it to America? You have no idea how much money I would spend to see that. You do know what happened didn't you?  
  
* Does anyone ever use Mokujin?  
  
* Does anyone ever use Craig Marduk for that matter?  
  
* Does anyone ever use anyone besides Jin, Hwoarang, and Xiaoyu?!  
  
* I will literally kill anyone who's sick enough to write a Heihachi/Jin yaoi!  
  
* But I would pay good money for Xiaoyu/Julia.(Mmmmm.......yuri)  
  
* What is the Mishima family's deal with throwing each other from high places? Heihachi throws Kazuya off a cliff, Kazuya throws Heihachi off a cliff, Heihachi throws Kazuya into volcano, Heihachi throws Jin off a helicopter in his Tekken 3 ending.  
  
* Why do Heihachi and Lee have the same basic ending in Tekken Tag?  
  
* As far as endings go, I think Bryan's is the best.  
  
* You now stand in the middle of the ring as you await your final opponent. Your body is bloody and bruised from your previous fights, but somehow you know you have win this last fight. Your life depends on it. The fireworks go off and the crowd roars, as Heihachi Mishima steps through the curtain. He glares at you with fiery eyes, and as he walks toward the ring, one thought crosses your mind. GREAT MERCIFUL CRAP HE'S WEARING A THONG! WHY THE HELL IS HE WEARING A THONG?! Is this some kind of strategy to gross out the opponent. There comes a certain age when thongs should only be worn on the feet. You decide to forfeit the match. Hell hath no fury like Heihachi in a thong.  
  
* Why does no one review The Darkness of Insanity anymore(my other Tekken story)? Is it because it involves an original character? Oh that's right. You only like Jin, Hwoarang, and Xiaoyu don't you? Well let me tell you something. Psychosis is the coolest original character ever created.  
  
Psychosis: Yeah, that's right!  
  
* What, what, where did you come from?!  
  
Psychosis: I am everywhere and yet I am nowhere.  
  
* What the crap is that supposed to mean? This is what happens when you make an original character. He doesn't belong in the Tekken universe, so I have to take care of him.  
  
* In case you were offended by anything in this fic I have this to say: you are a stupid, uptight little moron who probably thinks he's better than everyone else. So go hang yourself for taking this serious and leave us alone. Well that pretty much does it for the Mysteries of the Tekken Universe!!!!! Oh and don't forget to send a review. Hey! What are doing!? Gimme back my keyboard!  
  
Psychosis: All bow before me, for I am your master. Paul Phoenix sucks. Write more yaoi.  
  
* Damn it, give that back!  
  
  
Jes has spoken 


End file.
